This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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