As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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