after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
