Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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