Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
