i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
