haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
