Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
