3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize