Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
