i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
