I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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