i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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