uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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