i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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