Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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