great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You are the jesus of drinking
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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