true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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