3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
