I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
