guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Randomize
