I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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