If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
