I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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