According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize