Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
