id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
