If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
