And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
