im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
