Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
