Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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