Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
