So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
