well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
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when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
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I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize