Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
