I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
