I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
