well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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