I think I just saw someone hide a body.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
