On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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