I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
whose parrot is this?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting married
To pizza
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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