They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
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