so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
