i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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