I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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