hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
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Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
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Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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