1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Randomize
