Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I am spending my child support on dildos
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
