the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
