Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
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Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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