This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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