I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Randomize