I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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