I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
