I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
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the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition