We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.