I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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