I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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