I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
