i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
