remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
