I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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