I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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