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I puked a lego.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
